Third blood test results are in

All's going well. Looks like maybe I should create a new blog and turn it into a pregnancy journal. Maybe I'll wait a little while longer before doing that, wouldn't want to jinx myself here!

The numbers are in

Drum roll please......................

It's positive! The numbers are a bit low so they want me to repeat them Wednesday but it's positive, I'm finally pregnant. First cycle of clomid since 2008 and it worked like a charm! I'm going to let myself believe and enjoy the moment, it just feels too good to not let myself believe!

I can hardly believe it

But is seems like our quest for baby will be ending... I tested yesterday and for the first 3-4 minutes, the test was start white but then just a little bit after the 5 minute mark this is what showed up



Feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to turn into a BFN... Will test again later this week!

Confused and hopeful

Well I am now 16 DPO, AF still hasn't shown up and my symptoms haven't disappeared. The only difference is that I started lightly spotting brown blood yesterday morning. It hasn't really stopped but it hasn't increased or changed in color. When I'm about to get my period, the day before I will have light brown spotting that will quickly turn pink and by the next morning, AF is here full force. It hasn't happened this time and my temperature is still well above coverline, actually it went up this morning instead of going down as I expected it would.

That's what has me confused, what has me hopeful is the fact that with my son, I had what I thought was a pretty heavy period 11 days post ovulation but ended up testing positive a week after "AF" left as I was feeling crummy and my temperature was not going down. Seems like at least a part of that history is repeating itself by the fact that I am experiencing light spotting and that my temperature still hasn't fallen below coverline.

If Af isn't here full force by dinner time tonight (in a couple hours) I will be making a trip to the store to buy a couple HPTs, if she shows up then too bad and we'll get back to work. If my temps tank tomorrow I will probably hold off on testing, if not, tomorrow I am peeing on a stick and will do so with renewed hope.

12 DPO and counting

And I haven't tested yet, I will not subject myself to the disappointment of seeing only one line as I know at this point it would surely be negative.

The good news is that my blood test confirmed ovulation, with a progesterone level of 23, which is great as what they are looking for is anything above 15 on a medicated cycle.

I still have symptoms, which started around 7dpo but I trying to not go psycho over them and read too much into anything. What bothers me though is the nasty menstrual like cramps I've been getting for a few days, they have me convinced AF's on her way. I am constantly running to the bathroon to check, I call it panty psychosis. My temperature is still high but I don't yet see a triphasic pattern as there hasn't been a temperature dip to indicate implantation, I know you don't necessarily need that triphasic pattern but maybe I would be more optimistic if I was seeing it.

Anyway, AF is due on Wednesday, if she hasn't shown up by Friday then I'll allow myself to pee on a stick, if not then I'll go get my prescription for Clomid and get back to work.

Follicle count, painful ultrasounds and confusion

As I finished this round of clomid last week, this Monday was THE day for me to have my follicle count ultrasound. After waiting 45 minutes, being on the table for five minutes and the technician not being careful not to hurt me, I was not happy! First the technician gives me crap because I was not doing the ultrasound on my day 14 (euh duh can't day 14 was on the weekend and you don't do ultrasounds during the weekends). Then she starts bitching because she can't find my left ovary. And then she wouldn't even tell me if I had one if any mature follicles and said we were done for the day.

I left and I swear if she'd come to talk to me I would've punched her. Next morning I called the RE's office to get some answers and I was told by my doctor's wonderful assistant that the ultrasound report said I had at least one mature follicle. In her opinion I have a good chance at ovulation this month but it will only be confirmed by a blood test I have to take next week.

As for the confusion...It was looking to me like I could be ovulating Monday, which was perfect as were were "due" to DTD anyway. Temp went up Tuesday but down again yesterday. Hopefully yesterday was it, but this morning I had a little bit of EWCM but I've heard that it's not reliable the day after you DTD since it could be HIS leftovers. Anyway, fingers crossed!

New cycle, new hope

I haven't been good at keeping up with this blog in the last little while. I just wanted to say sorry about that lol

My new cycle started on Nov 1st, makes counting cycle days very easy. I took my clomid 150mg from days 5-9 and I have a follow-up ultrasound next Monday. I'm really hoping it works but my temperature has been weird, I have 3 days that are way above what my usual pre-ovulation temperatures are. I know that for yesterday and today, the H1N1 flu vaccine can be to blame but what about the other one? What should I read into this, should I take it to mean it's not going to work? I really hope next Monday's ultrasound shows I have follies and that I will ovulate. I wish they would give me a trigger shot to make me ovulate.

Only time will tell

What's going on?

Don't ask me, I do not know!

The charting software gave me back my ovulation day. Says it was on day 20, which makes me 17 DPO today, no sign of the monthly witch and my temperature is still higher than my coverline. Not as high as it was when I was pregnant with my son but I *guess* if the software is right, there is a chance, however small, that this could be it right?

I can't let myself think like that though because I'll be crushed if I get my period or a negative test... What to do, what to do.

If my temperature is still high tomorrow, I may care and pee on a stick hahaha!

Failed cycle

It's looking more and more like this present cycle will be a but! My charting software had given me a CD 20 ovulation but yesterday it took it away and I think there is no way it will give it back as my temperature continues to go down. I feel like a failiure. What I was born to do I can't do, my body just won't do it! I am considering taking provera at this point because I do not want to wait 30 more days for my period to come on its own but part of me says, wait it out just a little while longer. Problem is, the longer I wait, the harder it will be to bring on my period and heavier the actual bleeding will be. I just don't know what to do, wish my body would stop betraying me.

The months we do not try, I ovulate on my own and as soon as we start trying again, I stop ovulating. Makes no sense at all!

Nothing new this week

I debated wether or not to post here this week and decided that I might as well keep the pace of one post a week going.

I don't really have any news except for the fact that I either ovulated a couple days ago or I will in a couple days. Who knows and honestly this month, who cares? We are not actively trying again this month, waiting for next cycle when we have the Clomid.

I am still not sure how hopeful I am that this dose of clomid will work. Part of me wants to say, heck it will work the first month but the rational part of me says, don't get your hopes up, you'll be disappointed. If only I had a crystal ball hahahaha!

The new plan

As promised, I am here to update on what happened during my appointment with the fertility specialist yesterday. The good news is that we will start Clomid 150mg next cycle, with monitoring ultrasoun between days 14 and 16 as well as blood work confirming ovulation on day 24.

The disappointment came later when he said that if Clomid doesn't work this time then this is it for us until I am able to lose 25 more pounds. The clinic has a rule that you have to be under a certain BMI for them to take out the big guns, wether it be intrauterine insemination or invitro fertilization. That means that I have to get back on the weight loss horse and do this so that maybe some day I get my dream.

As much as I want to believe it will work for us (and we know it does, this dose made me ovulate once), part of me is saying, yeah whatever, what is different now that wasn't there in 2008 when this dose worked? Will I ovulate earlier, will my dear husband be able to "finish" every single time and even then, will we catch the proverbial egg? Do I keep going or do I give up?

Well, we will try this for a while and then we will have to see what we want to do. I remember last year saying that if I wasn't pregnant by January 2010 I would just stop trying... Now that deadline is so close and I'm nowhere near ready to give up on my dream.

October 7th here we come!

October 7th is next week. Did I mention that we can't wait until then. Finally we may be able to see a light at the end of this endless tunnel. What will our course of treatment be? Most likely we will start with Clomid but go straight to 150 as it is the "magic" number for us, followed by control ultrasounds and I am hoping for a trigger shot, then you just know you WILL ovulate. Since I also have a luteal phase problem, I would like to have progesterone added to that but we'll have to see what the RE has to say next week. I'm feeling slightly hopeful today that finally this quest may be over soon.

One more

Another friend of mine is pregnant. That's wonderful news, she's been trying as long as I have and finally, she has her miracle and I am thrilled for her. Then why do I feel so crummy? Why do I want to cry this morning when I think about it? Because it should also be my turn, yes I am that selfish. Her and her husband had terrible odds and they beat them, why can't I?

It's not that I'm not happy for her because I am, I am so glad that she finally gets her chance to be a mom again and it's wonderful news. But in the back of my mind, I ask myself: Why not me? Why am I still waiting? Why, why, why?

Pity party. My period should be here today or tomorrow and that probably explains the way I'm feeling today. Lately, every month around the time I should get my monthly visitor, someone announces she's pregnant. I can't wait to be the one sharing the news with people but I'm afraid it will never happen again.

Yesterday I was looking at baby pictures of my three year old and said: What if I never have another one? What then? How will life go on, how will I make myself accept the situation, the fact that my belly will forever be empty? I had to tell myself that it isn't over yet, that our next appointment is less than a month away... October 7 can't come fast enough!

Missing the big O

And I am not talking about orgasms here hahaha. No, I'm talking about ovulating (yes it does happen) and missing it for some reason. That's what happens when you do not have a clear pattern, you are out of town and... well you get the picture. So I think I actually ovulated Sunday, which was cycle day 22 and we missed it! My monthly visitor will be here in about 10 days I'm sure, which means that my post ovulation phase is a few days short of what it should be to support pregnancy... another problem I didn't know I had. My next appointment with the RE is on October 7, period will have come and gone by then and we will have to wait yet another cycle before we can officially start.

I don't want to be complaining all the time but seems like I do that a lot. It's not that I'm not grateful for what I do have, it's just that I can't stop wanting another baby, it is ruling my life.

Ok, back to work...

Vacation

We are on vacation this week... well staycation really. Hubby and I took the week off to finish some projects in the house and around the house. Also this should be the week that I ovulate but I do not have a clear temperature pattern, as usual and it's really pissing me off right now. I would love to avoid the big gun treatment I will be starting around november but, seems like I'm out of luck. That has to be PCOS for you, my temperature is almost a flat line since I started taking it just after my period left. The question I am asking myself though is how in the heck to I get a 32-36 day cycle if I don't ovulate... I know that when I really don't ovulate I have extremely long cycles (50-90 days). I think I am probably ovulating way later than I think (my norm is days 17-19) and that my post-ovulation phase is just too darn short. Oh I just wish I had answers for once, we've been at this two years, you'd think I'd be able to interpret my chart wouldn't you!

Stomach flu and other fun things

So we were supposed to embark on a new weight loss journey this week but life with a three year old who goes to day care, who has friends who have older sibling got in the way of that. I got a call from the day care provider Friday morning (on my birthday no less) that he had just thrown up his breakfast and to please come pick him up. He had the stomach flu, or so they say... Anyway fast forward a few hours, he's been fine since, has been on anti nausea medications all day and has been able to keep down vanilla pudding and pedialyte. We still cancel our dinner plans because who wants to go to dinner with a sick child. Next day, we're going out of town to my parents for golf and a birthday dinner. That afternoon I start feeling nauseous, figure I'm just nervous because I do not want to see my sister in law (hubby's sister).

By Monday morning, I know I have the stomach flu but I'm not throwing up, lucky me I just feel crummy. I live on anti nausea meds and go about my business. Hubby is throwing up. Tuesday we are fine and go back to work.

So this week on a weight loss point of view is no good since all we eat is cereal and toast haha! On a more positive note, someone is interested in buying some of the baby things I put up for sale, we'll see if it works out.

Next week... vacation... are we on a diet or are we delaying another week?

Appointment and new plan

I don't remember if I mentioned last week that I had an appointment with my fertility specialist? If I forget then I'm sorry because this appointment changed everything. We (I say we because my husband went with me) were going there to ask that I be put on birth control pills or metformin to help with the symptoms of PCOS. As you may have guessed, the doctor didn't think putting me on the pill would help much as our goal was still to have another child. He asked me a bunch of questions about how my cycle is now and said that I am basically fixing myself by losing the weight. Only problem is that I still do not ovulate and I am stuck, 15 pounds away from the goal we set in February.

As we were discussing options, I did something I had promised myself I would never do... I broke down and cried in a doctor's office. I think this may have been what changed the tone of the conversation (not that the doctor wasn't great even before that). He asked if we would be willing to keep trying to lose weight until October and if by then I was still stuck with pounds to lose, we would start the treatment anyway.

In the span of two weeks we went from, getting rid of all things baby to having a new plan to conceive our second child. By October we will be on fertility medications with ultrasounds to monitor progress and ensure that I ovulate and therefore time our "encounters" (haha) properly.

For the first time in months, I feel like I have hope again, like maybe it's still possible for us, that the dream is not quite dead yet. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and for once, it's not the train coming to hit us.

In the coming weeks, you will be hearing a lot about my weight loss adventure and probably about my cycle as well.

Have a good week everyone and see you all next week!

Decisions and feelings

I have to admit that I have not been very positive about the outcome of our "quest for baby" for a while now. While on vacation, I had what you would call a mini meldown and decided to sell all of my baby items so I wouldn't inadvertantly see them every time I am looking for something. I went through everything and realized I couldn't sell everything so, we have decided to sell only what we wouldn't mind getting "newer models" of. I've advertized said items on numerous bulletin boards, made posters and everything and so far... nobody's interested. I tried to sell baby clothes but that didn't work out the way I wanted it to, I just opened one of the plastic bins with my son's clothes in it and they still smelled like he did as a baby so I was not able to put any of the clothes up for sale.

We have also decided to take a break from trying to conceive. My PCOS is out of control right now and I have pain from the time I should be ovulating until the time I get my period, not fun let me tell you. I put in a call to my RE's office, asking to be put on the pill or metformin or something that can make this less painful. I also remember that I became pregnant with Nathan exactly one month after stopping the pill in 2005, guess I'm hoping it will do the same this time around.

How do I feel about these decisions... They were not easy decisions to make, I cried a lot and my husband didn't know what do to with me but now, I am at peace with them. Taking some time off trying to conceive will be great for my mental health, and we know it doesn't mean we are giving up. My dream is still to have another baby, unfortunately, it is not happening as soon as we wanted so what's another few months?

The story of the two years

So we started trying to conceive a second child in July 2007, just as our son was then turning one year old. We figured it could take a couple months but I would be pregnant by fall and our kids would have a two year age difference, which was exactly what we wanted. By September, I knew something was very wrong as I hadn't had a period since June. I made an appointment to see my OBGYN who was wonderful and said that the only issue with not having a cycle is trying to get pregnant so he prescribed Provera to induce a period and Clomid to make me ovulate. We tried Clomid at 50mg for two cycles, both were major failures since I did not ovulate on it.

On a side note, you will probably find it interesting to know that since my son was born, I have had a period at Christmas. That year was no exception, on December 24, my period came after 10 days of Provera and it was a bitch, I even considered going to the ER to get emergency care for my bleeding. That cycle, my OB wanted me to try Clomid at 100mg so we did. I had all the symptoms of ovulation but I didn't ovulate. The magic number for me on Clomid is 150mg, which we tried in the spring of 2008 and it worked perfectly but we timed it wrong so we didn't get pregnant.

We decided not to try the summer of 2008 but not prevent, we had a wonderful summer. Then in the fall we started trying again and in October I got a positive pregnancy test only to have my period 3 days later, I had a chemical pregnancy. Made another appointment with the OB who then decided it was time to send me to a fertility specialist. My OB also had a suspicion that I may have PCOS.

January 2009, first meeting with fertility specialist, he is absolutely wonderful! He agrees with the OB that I do have PCOS (based on numerous symptoms), orders blood tests and ultrasounds. Everything "looks" normal but I'm still not ovulating on my own consistently. We decide on a plan for me to start losing weight and to meet again in April. After our meeting in April, I had lost 20 pounds but trying to conceive was taking it's toll on me and in May I quit the weight loss program I was on.

We are now in August 2009, I have another 20 pounds to lose because of the 20 I'd lost then, I gained about 8 back. We will be getting back to the weight loss program in September, after our anniversary and my birthday have passed.

Next post, our decision and how I feel about the situation we are in.

Oh great, I suck at blogging

Seems like I posted the same message twice. First time I got an error message, figured it hadn't worked and this morning I come on here and what do I see... Double posts, darn! I promise I'll get better at this.

I'll be back later and keep telling my story... have a great day everyone who is reading!

Quick history

As the title says, my husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for a little over two years with no success. For you to understand my story I have to go back a few years to when we first started trying for our first child. It was 1998 and I was turning 21 that summer. I had just started taking the birth control pill at the urging of my family who thought that having a child that early in our relationship would be a mistake. The pill made me sick and I had to stop after one cycle but my period never came back on its own after that. Fast forward a few months after our August wedding and our doctor prescribed Clomid to induce ovulation, it worked and I became pregnant only to miscarry at six weeks. Then everything went to hell, I started bleeding and never stopped. Doctors tried everything from the Depo shot to pills given to women during menopause, nothing worked. In 2004 I was fed up with my doctor's attitude toward my bleeding problem and decided to look for a new one, I then found my current family doctor who referred me to the most wonderful and competent OBGYN I had ever met. She had a suspicion that my problem was not only in my uterus and she was right, after tests and meeting with a hematologist, I was diagnosed with Von Willebran'd disease, a bleeding disorder. A few months later, she retired and referred me to her colleague who is equally as wonderful and competent as she was. By then I had been on birth control pills for six years straight. It was discovered that I had a uterine fibroid that was pressing on a blood vessel and it needed to be removed. I was taken off birth control, had surgery and a month later I was pregnant with my now three year old son. You would think that it would be easy to get pregnant now... Wrong!