One more

Another friend of mine is pregnant. That's wonderful news, she's been trying as long as I have and finally, she has her miracle and I am thrilled for her. Then why do I feel so crummy? Why do I want to cry this morning when I think about it? Because it should also be my turn, yes I am that selfish. Her and her husband had terrible odds and they beat them, why can't I?

It's not that I'm not happy for her because I am, I am so glad that she finally gets her chance to be a mom again and it's wonderful news. But in the back of my mind, I ask myself: Why not me? Why am I still waiting? Why, why, why?

Pity party. My period should be here today or tomorrow and that probably explains the way I'm feeling today. Lately, every month around the time I should get my monthly visitor, someone announces she's pregnant. I can't wait to be the one sharing the news with people but I'm afraid it will never happen again.

Yesterday I was looking at baby pictures of my three year old and said: What if I never have another one? What then? How will life go on, how will I make myself accept the situation, the fact that my belly will forever be empty? I had to tell myself that it isn't over yet, that our next appointment is less than a month away... October 7 can't come fast enough!